I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
