these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
