best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
