I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
