Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
