I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize