Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
