I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
