it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize