i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
