I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
