You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
