I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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