Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
