Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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