Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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