My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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