I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
