Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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