I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
