if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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