Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
