my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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