I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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