Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
