I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
