Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
