Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
