my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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