the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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