dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
