So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
