Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
