Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
