just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
