1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
