Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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