It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
