end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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