I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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