i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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