i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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