I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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