I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
