i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
