I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
