dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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