You just made me feel so damn special
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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