Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
