I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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