I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
