Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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