I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
