If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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