He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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