Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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