just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Your penis caused this!
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