Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
