Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
