if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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