Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Couch. On fire.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
