Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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