i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
