My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
