So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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