I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
