My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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