i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
