he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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