I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
