so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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