He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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